consuming the shaman

So, everyone who knows that Paris Hilton was seen out with a "shaman" last week now knows the story was a fake. It did make me think, though, about spirituality and consumer culture. How so often we define our identities by what we buy. I'm sure everyone falls victim to this sometimes; I know that, at some points in my life, I have. Gathering the trappings and creating the image instead of doing the hard work of becoming. Why is it so important for us to project ourselves, I wonder, and see ourselves reflected? Of course we all want connection and validation, but what I'm talking about goes beyond that natural human urge.

Maybe I wonder about this because I so often feel like a fraud in my daily life. Always have. Like someday the other shoe will drop and I'm going to be "found out" as an empty poseur with no real skills. I don't know how normal that anxiety is, but it's a companion I've had for a long time--ever since I got old enough that I was supposed to get over being just free-form, floating potential and start actually Manifesting A Life.

I've never really felt like I understand what my purpose is, or why I'm really here. It's like I have a destiny waiting for me, but I can't see it.

.

And so it waits, undone, while I scrabble blindly in the dark, moving in the wrong direction, missing the chance to become who I am really meant to be.